Sticking with it

If this blog is about Dave and me staying married, I am compelled to comment on the divorce of Al and Tipper Gore.  I have not spent much time wondering why they would divorce after 40 years.  I am more interested in the question of why they stayed married for 40 years if at this point, they have no reason to stay together.

I have been acutely aware, our whole marriage, that at some point, it would be Dave and me stuck with one another, all alone.  Honestly, there were times I couldn’t imagine what that might be like–or that I would enjoy it.  When kids were little, them being big enough to leave home seemed far, far away.  When they were in high school and sports and I was running the retreat center, there was little time to consider the fast approaching reality.  As one after another married or moved out of our home, reality begin to dawn, but there was always someone returning or around.  Of course, Joel has been at home all along, but even he, now is mostly independent of us, even living in a house together.

Sticking with the idea that we married for the long haul has been a silently agreed on nonnegotiable.  As I branched out professionally, as Dave created and led, as we changed and moved and changed again and moved again and travelled and discovered more of who we are, we have invested in one another and in our marriage.  We have always agreed that we are one, even as we have explored and grown as individuals.

Sticking together for appearance is a reason to stay married, for a while.  Sticking together to accomplish certain milestones is a reason to stay married, for a time.  Sticking together out of habit or from the lack of energy or creativity to do anything else will work, until it doesn’t.  Staying married for the kids’ sakes, or for the convenience, or to pay lower taxes, or to avoid the stress of moving are all reasons that will be too thin, eventually.

Making one another a  better person by listening and trying ideas and dreams is a reason to stay married.  Setting the example of working through hurts and disappointments is a gift to our children and a fine reason to stay married.  Recognizing that the vows we made were before God and carry mutual responsibility with eternal weight is a reason we have stayed married.  Believing that this person is worth sticking with because he has proved he loves me, even if he (and I) is imperfect, is a wonderful reason to overlook the annoyances, the disappointments, the inconsiderations, the stresses, and to stay married.

I’m grateful that we managed to find reasons to stick with it.  Some years, I would not have bet on us.  We had our times of seeming far apart emotionally and intellectually.  But we had good reasons to stay together.  In consciously staying together, we were investing in the longevity of our marriage.  Now, we are benefitting from the comfort and familiarity that comes from sticking with it.